So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You Might Also Like
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.