gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
FINE, I WON’T.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.