kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
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home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want