anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*