he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Every. Damn. Time.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.