A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”