I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
#MeanwhileinCanada
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”