I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.