it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
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“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.