I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.