Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

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Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.


Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.


Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.


I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.


Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.


Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.


Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.


So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.