Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Lucky for them, they’re cute
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.