I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
He just like my cat fr
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend