Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Breaking news:
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
This headline is a thing of beauty
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.