WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
lmfao come on
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.