I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
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*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
A bold strategy
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.