ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Awwwww shit.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Just why bro?!