Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill