two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Ugh but profoundly
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.