Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.