Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
is this store having a stroke wtf
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.