The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
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I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Is this a threat?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.