@dragonsorbet Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
@sbellelauren the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
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@dragonsorbet 
@HotBitHoran “Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
@Cognitive_Diss I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
@imence2 9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
@truegritrumble BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
@pauleggleston My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
@AmericanGent69 Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
@RxitWounds Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
@highprobably1 I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
@tchrquotes Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.