Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My wife has the worst taste in men.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.