[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.