My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
#Caturday
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