@Lowenaffchen

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

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@1Happytwit

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

@JenniferTilly

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

@jimmytorosian

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

@DarthPutinKGB

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

@AdamDavis

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

@bitchofficially

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@robyn_vo

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing