*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
NASA has no chill
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.