I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.