Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Dishonest mechanic?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
☺️
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’