I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”