I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?