Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Why soy sad?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting