No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
How high do the levels go?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
How all things should be taught/explained.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”