@nPhelendriqal

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

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@TrophyCatas

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@AngieDavisHaha

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

@ihyjuju

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

@OutOfLeftField_

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

@joeljeffrey

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

@NYC_Blonde

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

@tweetfaver

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪