@stanleybehrman Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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@stanleybehrman 
@goldengateblond Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
@TheMotiWeighted Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
@UncleDuke1969 *draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
@azninthesun when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
@IcyJaime “i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
@adamgreattweet gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
@Gre_Gone Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
@VibesBummer The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
@tarashoe ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth