Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk