@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

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@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

@GirlsNoteBook

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

@ozzyunc

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

@_kayditty

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

@Gorrdano

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

@TeflonPawn

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

@a_simpl_man

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.