
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth