@buttsword [first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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@buttsword 
@jojipaints I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
@truegritrumble MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
@craigwantsnack I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
@mylifesuckers Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
@WilliamAder “Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
@Cornjerker78 Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
@JessObsess *At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
@DVSblast I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
@NewDadNotes [Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here