Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
i think we should see other cousins
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat