@OilCan314 I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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@OilCan314 
@GirlsNoteBook Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
@ozzyunc For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
@MauriceBlitz I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
@_kayditty Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
@Demented_Jokes My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
@Lisa_Laughs_ We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
@Gorrdano Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
@TeflonPawn Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
@a_simpl_man We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.