@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

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@stanleybehrman

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

@goldengateblond

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

@TheMotiWeighted

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@azninthesun

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

@IcyJaime

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

@Gre_Gone

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

@VibesBummer

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth