They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff