Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
You Might Also Like
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”