What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
You Might Also Like
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.