*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.