[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact