Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.