Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.