I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’ve been learning to cook.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Yup