GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
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What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?