GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.