The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking