A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Left at a local drug store…
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.