A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
lmfao come on
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.