A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon