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“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho