Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᜌᾒˢ áľáľĘłĘ¸ ËĄáľáľáľ
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasnât left the couch in 12 hours*
âOkay.â
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: Whatâs the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
âYou probably have to pee soon, huh?â
~ The monster under my bed
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay Iâll take one dollar
CLERK: thatâll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline đ¤ˇââď¸
Canât, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesnât laugh at the word âbequeathâ
Me: he didnât even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Why is âgoodnightâ one word, but âgood morningâ a lie?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?