‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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idk what this dog had been going through but same
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor