I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild