After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.