I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.