I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Peace was never an option
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
channeling her this year
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*