cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked