I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I can fix him.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
accurate
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.