Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days