No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.![]()
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[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Phones down.
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
synchronized noseblowing
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.