Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.