No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more